What are sisters for?

Finally, she popped up the question that I tried to elude for days, even to my own self. "Kanus-a ko mouli ate? (When will I go home Ate?)", she blurted. For a moment, I froze. I avoided to look straight into her eyes, turned my back and pretended to fix my dirty clothes on a hanger as if I heard nothing. But I cannot pretend not to hear her question as much as I wanted to. I am not deaf after all.

For days after my sister reached in Cebu to spend a short vacation with me, I kept denying to myself that one day, she'll pack her bags, go back home...and leave me. The thought of her absence was already killing me.

It's been a long time (5 years ago) since my sister and I spent precious time together. When we get together, it's like a union of separated souls. You may wonder why this kind of feeling. Maybe because we didn't grow up together. We spent our childhood years separately; deprived of each other's company. I thirst for her presence as much as she thirsts mine.

Normally, we drain the wee hours chitchatting: from family issues, to the not-so-good past experiences of our childhood years, updates of each other's love life, and the totality of life itself. We don't run out of subjects to share and discuss. We laugh and giggle together, tease and tickle each other, but, very seldom that we cry together.

My sister describes herself as a weakling and she regard me as her "tough Ate". Probably because she used to find herself vulnerable in facing life's predicaments. She worries much and cries so easily. That's what makes her believes she is frail. On the other hand, she thinks of me as someone clad with steeled personality. It was only in emotionally overwhelming circumstances and situations that she saw me cried. And when problems surfaced (family issues mostly), I confronted it lightly and kept reassuring my panicky sister that everything will be okay and in control. However, what she didn't know is, I am wearing a mask behind my hard-shell appearance: I am the big sister with fragile feelings and weak at times. Our problems disturbed me as much as it did to her. I cried a lot. Most of the time I felt hopeless. I worry more than she did. I shed tears alone behind closed doors. I embraced the pains myself. However, I chose to conceal my vulnerability from her. Not because I am ashamed of showing off my weak side to her, but because I know she needs my back to lean on everytime she becomes powerless. She aches for my strength when her world falls apart. I am her wall during her shaky moments; her trusted confidante of her most kept secrets; someone who is always ready to catch her tears before it falls down to the ground; the clown who cheers her up when she frowns.

The degree of my sister's openness of her world to me equates my reservation about my world's agenda. Of course I share to her my personal affairs but with specified boundaries. Unfair? Nope. It only happens that we have different personalities and preferences. But we perfectly clicked and we have great respect for each other. Misunderstandings normally arise between us, but, they are quickly resolved.

Going back to her expected departure, I didn't give her a definite day as to when will I allow her to go back home. Obviously, I didn't want her to leave me that's why I preferred not to decide my day of doom.

On the last days of the week her trip was scheduled, she became so disturbed
of the obligations she left at work (she's a teacher) since opening of the class was taking so soon. I knew she didn't want to leave me, but she had to.
One Friday morning, half asleep on bed, she anxiously asked me that question again. I threw her a mischievous grin and said, "Sunday." Big waves of wrinkles formed on her forehead with matching, "Naaaaaa. Karon ko mouli (I will go home today)" I just shrugged, smiled and jumped out of bed expecting that we already had an agreement.
Breakfast time. I called her attention for the meal. She looked dismayed. By her actions I sensed that something was bothering her. I knew what was it, but I ignored it. Later, she popped that annoying question again. I got so irritated and my blood immediately rose to my head. "Di, uli ka karon!!! (Okay, you go home today!!!)," I roared. Instantly, tears were welling from my sister's eyes. I really felt bad. I raised my voice at her. I felt guilty of my stupidity. But God knew it was not intentional. It was out of my provoked emotion.
I heared voices juggling in my mind that moment; things that I wanted to tell her right there and then: "Can't you see? I don't want you to go! I don't want you to leave me just like that! I want you to stay! Why can't you understand?" But all of these questions that I wanted to throw at her just remained glued in my mind.

There was silence for a while. I felt the tension. Looking at my sister crying, crushed my heart. My emotions were beginning to creep my entire being. But I tried my best to hold it back. "Nganong mihilak man ka? (Why are you crying?)," I calmly asked her. "Nasuko man ka (Because you're mad)," she answered, head bowed down as tears continued to fall down her cheeks. The overwhelming pain in my heart triggered my tears to involuntarily come out. I failed to withhold it. "Sige, uli ka karon (Okay, you go home today)," I spoke in a very low voice. Gladly, she did not look into my direction or else she will see my tears dropped, one after the other. She's not aware of it; she didn't know her tough Ate was showing her vulnerability right infront of her.

I immediately wiped my tears. I stood up, turned my back, and finished my coffee.

At work, I was still hoping and anxiously waiting that my sister would send me a text message and inform me that she will not go home that very day. I waited...and waited...and waited. I became disoriented. I felt empty. The loneliness inside was eating my whole system. I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. I needed to squeeze out my unexpressed feelings. Until I chatted with my boyfriend on YM. When he asked me about my sister, it's when I felt the urgency to unload everything. How? Where? I hurriedly walked towards the C.R., and there I sobbed thinly and incessantly.

We spent the last hours of her vacation shopping for "pasalubongs" for the family. We had our sumptuous dinner at Chowking SM.

We took her to the seaport. I accompanied her to the ship and made our goodbyes. We cannot hide the sadness in our eyes, but we didn't talk about it. We communicated our feelings for each other through our own hearts and mind. I didn't want to stay longer or else there will be another scenario of emotional outburst. I walked away with heavy footsteps from where I left her. I turned my head back and took a glimpse of my precious sister for the last time. The moment of truth. She had to go. I could no longer hold her. Time to accept the reality that she had to leave me. Finally, I let her go.